gronlandic edit

physics makes us all its bitches.

true beyond true. oftentimes during this season the assist goes to ice. i actually became very well acquainted with a patch of ice two days ago. needless to say one unhappy tailbone later, i found that ice was not too nice of an individual. i won't even talk to ice anymore, things are kind of tense between us. now i won't answer ice's phone calls, you know the kit and caboodle.

moving onto that lover-ly life thing. on a teetering scale, i've been back and forth with a certain individual as far as feelings are concerned. it's a thin layer of ice that often wavers in its strength. names will not be disclosed for obvious reasons. this past weekend was absolutely horrifying for me. what started as a fun and relaxed weekend hastily turned into 8-9 hours of horrendous frustration and anger. what occurred within that span was a relentless assault on me as an individual. a very questioning of my morals and intentions. of course for self-defense i threw a few insults and such, but majority were from being personally offended and abused.

i know that one thing that upsets me is over-complexity in a relationship, which this situation has reached well beyond my usual limit. that's not the major problem though. the major problem in my mind is how this individual truly crosses over some lines that should not be crossed. it has happened on several occasions and to this day bothers me. it's to the point where i actually feel i have to shelter myself for my own personal integrity. that to me doesn't seem like a basis for a healthy relationship. it seems to me to be part insecurity on my side, but also harshness from the individual's side. what happened this weekend really shed light on what this individual is capable of saying and accusing to someone they care about. it was unsettling to say the least.

i guess at this point the best way to phrase it would be that i feel bound by diplomatic shackles. what i desire is to feel free again, to no longer be bound by shackles. the situation has gotten to a point that it feels like diplomatically shuffling around instead of just... enjoying ourselves. chained by word choice and petty arguments. i despise the delicate dance of words and phrases. it's almost to a breaking point.

at this time, i'm almost at the point of withdrawing myself completely from the situation for my own mental stability. it's a great amount stress that during the semester when i'm about to graduate, i'm not sure if i can or want to deal with it. things seem too complicated currently.

soundtrack I

what the hellio, i'll do it.

metric - gold girls guns
frank turner - substitute
company of thieves - even in the dark
margot and the nuclear so & so's - broad ripple is burning
belle & sebastian - i'm a cuckoo
nujabes - latitude
ratatat - wildcat
kaizer's orchestra - hjerteknuser
thievery corporation - shadows of ourselves
thievery corporation - focus on sight
faded paper figures - the persuaded
spoon - the underdog
laura veirs - magnetized
ben kweller - on my way
kaki king - dreaming of revenge
jets to brazil - perfecting loneliness

gold guns girls

all the choices in the world. is it ever gonna be enough?

i do really wish to make a soundtrack of my life with the tracks from my post titles to listen to later in life. t'would be intertesting.

let me just say that i adore having this. a journal solely for spewing both meaningful and random thoughts into. last night i discovered a strangely delightful twist on a normal method for eating jelly beans. normally when i eat jelly beans, i plunge my hand inside the container and sort them out to remove all of the beans i'm not too fond of. this time, i was laying in my bed in the dark, just soaking in delicious delicious music. in between two particularly great songs, i reached over to grab some jelly beans. i ate them one by one, reveling in each unique flavor instead of pounding them down like i usually do (i'd make a good garbage disposal). i occasionally would hit a flavor i can't stand and toss in 2-3 jelly beans to get the bad flavor away, but it still very enjoyable.

substitute

so furious.

i can't describe. good thing i have restraint from plowing my fist through this glass cover.
i update and edit this post to give a brief rundown of the situation.

i long to be happy with someone, this is a fact. although we're raised to be hard-shelled men i cannot help but to swoon every time i see a happy couple together. i wish so badly to hold the warm hand of an affectionate partner. someone to laugh with, to goof off, to get to know to the core. it's almost to the degree of being an illness. it's something that i've always noticed becoming increasing an issue as time progresses. maybe it's my want to settle down with a good fun-loving girl. someone who really brings out the best in me, both creatively and other ways. i long for someone spontaneous in the best of ways, just that impulse to do random fun things.i oftentimes daydream about fun things i'll do in the next relationship i'm in.

the only positive side of it all is that i know that i can live with it. i desperately want it, but know that i cannot force it and can be stable on my own. i'm also under the opinion if i can't stand alone, i shouldn't stand together. it makes sense in my mind at least.

it's kinda sad of how excited i am to once again make a girl feel special. i adore trying to make someone feel special in new and interesting ways.

note to self: on re-read, that sounded really desperate and depressing.